Monday, November 13, 2006

Character traits of different Functions

I believe I'm the most perfect (If there were a term to describe that I would use it) in the corporate world. I spent quite some time today trying to evaluate what I think of different people in my office and outside it. I came to some good (I think) conclusions. I classified them according to the various functions they perform.

1. MARKETING - These are ambitious yet stupid people. They chose a marketing or a generic degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what the job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales, which is an essential requirement the management looks for, while recruiting.

2. SALES - Lazier than marketing, often referred to as "marketeers without a degree". These guys are self-centered and paranoid. Incompatible with any other function in the company, because they think of themselves as an extended arm of the customer, ready to slap others around.

3. ENGINEERING - These guys actually studied in school and college. They are unable to control anything in personal life. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. Instead of girlfriends, they have all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.

4. ACCOUNTING - The only other group that ever studied in college. These guys are mostly immune from office politics. The most feared persons in the organization; combined with extreme organizational traits, majority of rumors say that they are completely insane.

5. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given their access to confidential information, they tend to be the biggest gossips within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, (Unable to return any calls today because had to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter)

6. MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, they are destined to remain at their current job for the rest of their life. Unable to make a single decision, their worth is measured by the number of meetings they can schedule. Every now and then, they get fits, throw tantrums just to make their presene felt.

7. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title). Only one addition is that periodically, they come up with a plan to raise employee productivity through a motivational technique (they think). It is called re-organization. It is a skillfult art of convincing an employee that his new role will lead him nearer to his career goal (without any change in pay, position or even work content. Its all in the mind ).

8. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, they use acronyms to avoid revealing their utter lack of experience. They are perennially convinced that their "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat.

9. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, disdained by most people who actually work for a living. During a market upswing, they resemble squirrels during fall scrambling to save food for winter. During downturns, they hibernate.

10. PRESIDENT, CEO - Brilliant or Lucky. The inability to figure out complex systems such as the xerox machine suggest the latter. Their brilliance comes out when they mask company results to shareholders, just using words.